Marie Antoinette
French Queen and Zombie
(Zombie part explained later.)
Introduction
We all know Marie Antoinette for her iconic quote; “Let them eat cake!” But did she really utter such a comment that, in hindsight, maybe might not have been the most intelligent thing to say at the time? We also remember her for:
Her egregious hairdos
Being the Queen of France
Maxing out her credit card (Just kidding)
Being pretty
Her unfortunate comeuppance
And let’s not forget that tiny little annoyance, the French Revolution.
But did she really deserve the guillotine? Was she a vicious shopper who cared nothing about her country’s needs? Or was she an uninformed, naïve child who simply didn’t know not to spend her country’s money while her subjects starved? Well, we can’t be sure. But let’s take a look at her childhood, adult life, and, yes, her infamous demise, starting from the beginning.
Birth
Maria Antonia Josepha Johanna (quite a name, I know), a healthy baby, was born on November 2, 1755. She was one of 15 (FIFTEEN!) kids. Born to Empress Maria Teresa and Holy Roman Emperor Francis l, you can be sure that she was a humble, modest little girl (NOT). Little Maria’s birth was completely on display for the whole population of Vienna, should they wish to be escorted by guards through the hundreds of extravagant rooms in the sprawling Hofburg palace, to one of the Empress’s plush bedchambers. There, they would watch the next royal baby enter the world. And then the next royal baby. And the next royal baby. Rinse and repeat.
Early life
Now, let’s fast forward about eleven years. Imagine if you will, a room full of desks, with fifteen dedicated pupils bent low over their desks, their pencils scratching the papers. Now, let’s make the necessary changes.
First, they didn’t have pencils, they had quill pens.
Second, the students would be divided into two groups, one for the boys, who would learn fencing, history, math(s) and other manly subjects, while the girls learned, embroidery, sewing, and other essentially useless things. (Although they did learn French, Italian, and English, in addition to their first language, German.)
Third, no self-respecting aristocrat would be “bent low over their desk” as formerly mentioned. Instead, most of the children sat straight as boards, conducting themselves with “grace” and “poise” and other uncomfortable adjectives.
Fourth, there were only fourteen dedicated students. One child was dreamily staring off into the distance, thinking about (Let’s be honest here, probably nothing of substance). This intelligent tot was none other than our dear friend Maria Antonia Josepha Johanna (lets call her Marie).
So now, we have our historically accurate little scene floating around in our heads. Let’s zero in on little Marie. Even at age 12, Marie Antoinette could not write OR speak French or Latin (I know, how horrible). She could barely even speak German. (She spoke Italian well, however.) Her words came in odd, broken streams. “Not connected” claimed one acquaintance. Oh well, at least she was pretty, right? Well, yes, but her beauty sometimes worked against her. The most glaring example: Because much of her beauty was fresh and young, she was married at the ripe age of fourteen. (God forbid she should age another whole year and become riddled with wrinkles so that no man in his right mind would take her!)
Marriage
Yes, you heard me correctly. Marie Antoinette was married at fourteen. And the lucky guy had no say in the matter. The prince in question (because obviously it HAD to be a prince) was Louis XVl of France, who was basically decrepit with age. (Sixteen! Can you imagine?!) Anyway, these two got hitched as soon as possible. But, before her (slightly rushed) wedding, Marie had to have some work done. First, Marie had to have some dental work done! She had crooked teeth which had to be fixed before her wedding because apparently everyone at the wedding would be staring at her mouth. (Don’t ask me). This wedding was quite an important event, as it signified peace between Austria and France. Because of this, over five thousand people were invited to their wedding. There were so many guests, teirs of seats had to be put in the Hall of Mirrors so the onlookers could watch the procession on the mirrors! (Sort of like live television, except without narrators with perfect teeth.) Aside from her teeth, what else would people notice? Her dress! It might surprise you to hear that she did NOT wear white to her wedding! She actually wore a brocade (light grayish beige) gown adorned with about ten million jewels. (Just kidding, she probably had more gems than that) her dress was actually too tight, and according to a particularly cranky Duchess of Northumberland, “the corps of her robe was too small, and left quite a broad stripe of lacing and shift quite visible, which had a bad effect between two broader stripes of diamonds. She really had quite a load of jewels.” Translation: Marie’s underdress was showing through a poorly covered hole in the dress, and her dress was about five sizes too small. The wedding was perfect. If only we could say the same for the rest of their lives.
Adult life/parties
“What do you mean?” You might be asking. “She was a queen for goodness sakes!” Yes, she was. “She lived in a palace and attended luxurious parties weekly!” Correct again. But while those things may sound plushly extravagant and glamorously expected, they actually take meticulous planning and money. Lots and lots of money. (Which could be better spent on the welfare of the French subjects, no doubt) Remember the previously mentioned uncomfortable adjectives, grace and poise? Well, let’s just say there were probably a lot of stiff spines and necks the next morning. Imagine being at a party, except everyone there is silently judging your clothing, taking in every single tiny flaw in your skin, every imperfection in your hair. You are doing the same, memorizing every bit of gossip your powdered head can hold. On top of all this, the women are struggling to breathe whilst not looking visibly pained, due to their hidden torture devices by the evil sounding name of corsets. The men are attempting to not look ridiculous in puffy pants, long white wigs, uncomfortable shirts made of silk, and goofy shoes with bells at the tips. Are you anxious now? I am. This is what went down nearly every night in Versailles. Now, this is only one of the unpleasantries that I am referring to when I speak of Louis’ and Marie’s lives. Let’s move on to one of the biggies. Yes, its time to talk about… (drumroll, please) the French Revolution!
French Revolution
Yes, finally, the moment is here. Starvation, execution, angry peasants, and pitchforks all rolled into one. Now for the history part. The French Revolution, also known as the Revolution of 1789, was the inevitable product of the elite and wealthy spending France’s money on petty things like clothes, parties and apple watches (just kidding on that one) while the “common folk” starved for lack of money and human rights. Also taxes. Loads and loads of taxes. Well, as you may assume, the people of France were not okay with this. In fact, they were very seriously against this. They were uncool with starving, iffy on being taxed beyond belief, and uncomfortable with their horrible living conditions. (These are all gross understatements, of course) Anyway, the king (Marie’s hubby) was the one to push the peasants over the edge. He thought it might be nice if he increased the taxes on the commoners, and gave all their tax money to his noble friends. Well, as you may have gathered, the French were NOT about to let this happen unopposed. (I’ll note that the nobles who would get the peasants tax money were wholly on board with this, but they don’t get an opinion anymore.) (Okay, that was mean, everyone’s opinions are valid.) Anyway, the French revolted against the nobles. Hundreds of the elite and rich were sentenced to execution by guillotine. A few of the poor people were executed as well, but they were mainly the few people with absolutely outstanding moral character who stood up against the rebellion to try to help the nobles. Those few were either very smart, very dumb, insane, or incredibly brave. (Choose all that apply) If you did not know already, a guillotine is a medieval device used to kill prisoners or other enemies of whoever owns the guillotine. The device works like this: a plank with a hole on it is set upright underneath an extremely heavy blade that, when triggered, slides down at speed of around 18 mph. Well, the persons head would go in the hole in the plank, and, well, chop chop for them. If you have ever read the classic Alice in Wonderland, you will remember that the queen of hearts was just maybe the teeniest bit obsessed with this form of execution. The French kind of took a page out of her book, except they revised it a teensy bit to have less murdering of random minor offenders, focusing more on the French royalty. You may have gathered that our friend Marie was indeed, French royalty, and what happened to French royalty? That’s right, chop chop. Up next- all the bloody details of Marie Antoinette’s demise.
Death
Here we are, coming to the end of this story, And, sadly, the end of our dear friend Marie’s story too. Inevitably, the French people began to overthrow the monarchy. And, as some of our more attentive readers may recall, little Marie was a part of that group. On the morning of Marie Antoinette’s execution, she saw the doors of Versailles for what was to be her last time. She was led up onto the platform on which the guillotine sat, where she accidentally stepped on the executioners foot. Her last recorded words were an apology to the man who would send her to her death. “Pardon me, sir, I did not mean to do it.” (Translated from French, of course) Then the blade fell with a sickening thunk, and Marie Antoinette was no more. Well, her living self. Her memory still sticks with us today, as one of the most iconic and tragic and, yes, maybe a bit selfish queens of the world today. But, worry not, our story is not through yet, scan on, dear reader, to learn about some bloody details of dear MAJJ’s death.
Details and wrap ups
Here lie the top five details of Marie Antoinette’s demise.
1: Marie was wearing a simple white dress to her execution.
2: She did not have her hair in its normal… large state.
3: When she got the chop, her head rolled into a basket below.
4: For a few seconds following her death, her eyes continued blinking. (See explanation below.*)
5: Only about a hundred people showed up to watch Marie’s execution.
More attentive readers may recall a question asked at the beginning of this essay, but for those of you who have forgotten, we posed this question. Did Marie really make such an awful comment as “let them eat cake?” The answer is… well, there is a chance that, at some point in her life, she may have said that, but, even is so, she did not think of it first. That actual phrase is credited to a Spanish princess who lived about a hundred years before Marie’s time.
The bigger question, however, is if she really knew what she was doing when she overspent beyond belief, or if she truly was not taught that maybe that wasn’t the best choice. Well, if there is not a written record, like a diary from the source, historians cannot say what Marie’s actual intentions were. It’s not like she specifically wrote “Hee hee hee, my evil and elaborate plan to spend my people’s hard earned money on dresses whilst they starve is working out perfectly! Soon I will take over the world! (Insert evil cackle here)” So, you’ll have to draw your own conclusions about her real intentions.
*Explanation time! Here’s the sciencey bit. When the head is severed from the neck, the brains connection to the body is momentarily stunned. In this moment the body is semi-animated, meaning it is not yet dead, nor alive. During this time, the body can manage small, involuntary motions such as blinking. So, in conclusion, Marie was, for a moment, a zombie. And there you have it, your long -desired conclusion to the whole zombie thing.
Conclusion
The end of our tale is here, after much warning that this moment would come. As our very last part of our story, essentially the closing credits, we’ll review how Marie Antoinette’s life affects us. Sure, she lived two hundred and fifty years ago, but we still look back over her life. We learn from her. For instance, she was the last queen of France. The revolution pretty much sealed the deal on royalty. Marie was poorly educated (though pampered) and naïve. We look back on her mistakes and make somewhat of an effort not to duplicate them, because, as we can see, that turned out pretty great for her. So, in summary, please don’t spend your country’s money on petty things while they starve. You just might meet the same fate as our dear… Marie Antoinette.